Adult Friendships Can be Tough…

A few evenings ago Rob and I found ourselves at an impromptu dinner with one of my best friends of over ten years, and a coworker of hers.  My dear friend was in town for a bit of SXSW work, and we took the opportunity to sit down, talk in high speed NY fashion (add to that the CHARMING British accent of her coworker) and catch up over a meal.  Then we meandered over to a show where we hung out ever so briefly with another dear friend who was presenting a huge showcase with about 4,000 people expected.  He was also working, but made it a point to meet us, make sure we were granted VIP entrance, find us inside, share a few drinks and laugh at how far we’ve all come since our days together at Interscope.  It was a fast night, it was a long and late night, but it was one of the best nights I have had in YEARS.

'Scope Reunion, y'all!

See, this is how things are done where I’m from.  You may not have a lot of time to spend together but you make the most of it when you do, and you try to do it as often as possible.  There’s a feeling that no time has passed, and an invigorating sense of community (Anjali, you were so right) just from the encounter.  Yes, in New York and Los Angeles both, we frequently MADE time for our friends so that we could bask in the feeling we got from the connection.  Sure, there are always friendships of convenience… You see them at a common hang out locale, and you revel in each others company until the next time. But the true connection that you get from spending quality time with someone who really understands you, that is GOLD.

I’m not sure if it happened when my son was born, or if it started during my pregnancy, but I have felt a significant amount of social isolation in the past few years.  Some of my closest friends are also new mothers, and frankly its tough finding time to get together on a regular basis.  I live thousands of miles away from my lifelong best friends and my own family, so the regular drop-ins that were a staple of my youth don’t exist.  I never thought that I would miss that so intensely.

But I digress. Another post for another time.

Livin' la vida vino!

I have been blessed to form many friendships with some amazing people that I work with. We frequently invent reasons to get together… Girls Night Out, Bunco, or even Happy Hour.   Maybe this is just how adult friendships work?  I don’t know.  I cherish these women, and wish I could spend more quality time with them for no reason whatsoever!  The precious moments spent among friends seem just too few and far between the rest of the chaos.

More, please!

My husband has been one of my very best friends since we met eight years ago, as a matter of fact, I prefer his company over all others.  He gets the quirks of my personality that most people do not get.  He knows that when I am loud and boisterous about something it is a sign of a burning interest or passion.  Most people just think I am a bitch (NOT the worst that I’ve been accused of lately, but that might be found in a post one day as well). Rob sees my desire to change the world and make it a better place for our son as courageous.  Many people label me an idealist. Through my husband, I have come into contact with some of the people I hold nearest and dearest to my heart.  Friends and family have been added to my life that have lent layers of complexity and value to our lives, yet even that cannot replace the feeling I experienced the other night.  Comradery, perhaps…

I find myself yearning for the quality time spent with friends, not out of convenience or even need to solve many of life’s constant dramas, just out of love for one another. Talking about the newest line of H&M over coffee… Laughing at a memory of an embarrassing moment we witnessed (read: experienced) together.  Sitting on a dock overlooking the bay with drinks in hand and smiles on lips. Memories, that at the time seemed like they would always be current and commonplace.  The lack of these moments in my life has left me feeling pretty melancholy.

Is this typical of adult relationships?  Common for new mothers?  Do we find ourselves so immersed in our family lives and day to day responsibilities that we simply don’t have time to spend on our personal relationships?  Sure, my time is sparse since becoming a mother. The many facets of my day to day life are often exhausting and mundane.  I adore every single minute spent with my two amazingly sweet boys, but something is missing.  I know that life as I knew it pre-motherhood will never return.  I don’t regret or resent the “new” life, but like I said, I’m feeling a bit nostalgic for certain aspects of the “old.”

What do you think?  Is this the normal progression of friendships made in adulthood?  Are our lives too busy to connect at a deeper level or am I simply asking too much?  Speak to me!

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2 thoughts on “Adult Friendships Can be Tough…

  1. I have no answers for you — but you are wise to realize the value of a good friend. Someone to talk with about the past, the present, the future, as you make your way through this world, it’s invaluable.

    • Thanks for the response! I am finding is that it is so easy to lose ourselves in life changes as we experience them, often forgetting about friends, or simply not having enough of ourselves left over at the end of the day to reach out to them. In reality, we aren’t designed to go through life alone, but as a community. I think that having my son has truly cemented my need for a sense of “belonging” – If it takes a village to raise a child, I want my village to be something wonderful. 🙂

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